To enby or not to be…

For my birthday this year, 2024, I am coming out as gender non-binary. This is something I've been noodling around in my head since I was a child, but only recently have been able to form the concepts and language into something coherent that actually fits.

For those of you who actually know me, this shouldn't be surprising. I've not aligned well with the societal image and expectations of being "male" for a very long time. I find the institution of "manhood" and "maleness" to be pretty gross, and most people who adhere fully to it I often find insufferable.

I have rejected both the current man-boy gender representations of the likes of Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson while also rejecting the reimagining of "tribal" manhood by the likes of Robert Bly and Sam Keen in the '90s. I am not a "Bro" or a "Dude" in the most used senses of the terms, and the images they bring forth fill me with the "ick."

So here are some questions you may be asking and some thought-out answers about this new non-binary label I am claiming.

What does Non-Binary mean to Tony?

I am not comfortable or interested in claiming the idea of "Manhood" for myself when so much of it is so problematic and literally dangerous to the people around me. I am biologically male, have no interest in transitioning, and will continue to present as masculine to most folks most of the time, but I do not identify or align myself with "Maleness." I'm not in that club anymore.

So, with neither clubhouse feeling comfortable to me to accept membership, this leaves me squarely in the non-binary category. I am neither claiming the gender of male or female, and I'm not claiming to be both. I'm just me, now.

I also do not and never have claimed to identify as female-gendered and don't intend to. Though I have some traditionally feminine presentations (long hair and I paint my nails a lot and sometimes dabble in makeup), I am not doing those out of a need to be more "feminine" but just because I like them and they are fun. I am not claiming any membership in the Women's club either.

Is Tony Trans?

Although non-binary falls under the trans "umbrella" of terms for the LGBTQIA+ designations, I do not consider myself trans. I am not intending to change my body or physical appearance to fit anything different than I already do, except that I will allow myself even more freedom to play with other gender and non-gender styles and apparel when it feels fun. I'm not transitioning to any other gender, I'm simply declaring that I no longer align as strictly "male" socially, culturally, or personally. In a way I could be considered a "demiboy" but even there, I'm not really aligning to anything, so it doesn't really fit.

Is Tony Queer?

Yes, on the gender side. No, on the sexual orientation side.

Since I was very young, I have not felt comfortable in the role of "Man." It may have started when I was 3 and my rodeo-riding stepfather, drunk and in a rage at my mother, laughingly stomped around saying he was squishing my imaginary spider friend under his cowboy boots. It may have been when, at 10 in the morning, my uncle yelled at me when, left alone in the cab of the pickup while he paid for gas and cigarettes, I accidentally knocked over his open beer can he'd left on the floor next to the gas pedal. It was Coors. It may have been when boys and men in my life older than me introduced me to sexuality as young as 6.

This was how masculinity was presented to me at the start. It was dangerous and scary, and I didn't want much to do with it.

But I was a boy, growing up in 1970s Salt Lake City and spending a LOT of time in Rock Springs, Wyoming, so the very American western ideas and stereotypes of masculinity were deeply ingrained, only to be reinforced by '80s California culture, super-conservative parents, and all-boys Catholic high school. So I have always presented as masculine, though many of the ideas of "being masculine" socially and culturally repulsed me. But I learned to play the part.

Being romantically, sensually, sexually, and physically attracted to women, and generally indifferent in these aspects to men, made it pretty easy. I was not gay. When I was young, the language and discussion around gender was deeply tied to sexuality and sexual orientation, so, not being gay, I fell to the default positions of male and masculine with no way of discussing my discomfort in that role without it also raising the question of being gay.

In trying to sort this all out, I did explore the sexual orientation side of things in college. I tried on the label of bisexual and had one very successful gay "date." It wasn't an official date—a bunch of us had gathered at a gay bar in Santa Cruz and this one guy and I had hit it off, and when the others left, he and I stayed, talked, and slow-danced and made out on the dance floor. But I left the bar alone, not going back to his place.

This was not because I was afraid or put off by the idea of sex with another man, but because deep down I knew I was ambivalent to it. It didn't excite or interest me in the way that he deserved, and I liked and cared about him, so I gently backed out of any relationship. I knew then I wasn't even bi. I just wasn't interested.

So from that point I knew I was not gay or bi. If I had to pin it down, the closest I've seen is Neptunic sexuality, but even that doesn't fit perfectly. And that matches my rejection of Male as a gender label and identity. But back then, I didn't know the two things, gender identity and sexual orientation, were able to be separated, so when I dropped the bi, I thought I had to land in cis male, too. So, for a very long time I gave up the investigation and just went with the flow.

What about Pronouns?

Pronouns are weird because I don't feel like they affect me much, but I have been convincingly told that this attitude comes from a privileged position. That's why I originally added He/Him to my various internet media profiles, to show support in having a preference. Now I guess I'll be adjusting them to He/Them? Otherwise, as per usual, I'll answer to anything, and as non-binary, have no issue with whatever gender is mentioned. I seriously doubt I'll get much she/her and I'm not about enforcing and redirecting.

Except… when it comes to "Dude" and "Bro," particularly in online discussions where it is usually followed by criticism, opposition, or insult. A friendly "Dude" I'll take, but as I have been doing for a number of years now, I will in no uncertain terms tell you I'm not your dude or bro, especially if I don't know you. That's less about misgendering and more about just being disingenuous about your tone in an online comment… making something in opposition sound "friendly" when it is precisely the opposite.

How does this affect our relationship?

For the most part it doesn't really. Most folks I know won't even notice a change, or if they do, it'll be subtle. This is really a continuation of the person you know, just a relabeling, a rebranding of sorts (though I hate the idea of branding for people).

If you are queer or trans or any other part of the rainbow flags, know that you are no longer talking to an ally, but a participating member. For years I have resisted taking up the symbolism of the LGBTQIA+ because I felt like it was appropriating something I didn't own. I felt like I wasn't queer enough to claim those symbols, even as a fully supportive ally. That reluctance stops here.

With men around me or who I interact with, I will no longer feel the pressure to stay silent when they say or do something that is sexist, homophobic, or transphobic. I wasn't very silent before, but I'll be less so now. I am no longer just "one of the guys."

Why Now?

With the shift in political atmosphere, I see family and friends suddenly very fearful about the future, their future and their safety just existing. I hear people talking about concerns that it'll be dangerous unless we hunker down and stop being who we are. I think the opposite. I think standing up and being visible is the only way through this, so I'm putting away the privilege I've lazily stood behind for so long and counting myself on the right side, and doing so proudly.

So, that's about it. A new label for a new birth year and beyond. A new way of thinking about me. I think it fits me better, don't you?